Something organic through something so mechanical

Now that I’ve had some time to process my date last night, I don’t feel very differently. 

First off, he didn’t really look like his picture. I was expecting someone a little more “built,” but he was a little on the slim side. Not a negative, just something I noticed.

And as I said in my last post, when I got out of the car and saw him, he seemed to be exhausted and I wasn’t sure if he really wanted to be out on the date or not.

When we talked inside of the restaurant, within the first 15 minutes he said he “figured me out,” which is something I absolutely hate hearing. I knew it was 15 minutes because I looked at my phone and said to him, "Yo, it's only been 15 minutes. You couldn't have possibly figured me out that quickly." There was another guy I gave my number to (W), and the day I gave him my number, he said to me I was “hard to figure out.” Dude, you haven’t even met me in person. I don’t like it when people try to rush and figure someone else out. That’s not how life works, and people are more complicated than that in general. I’m not in a rush to “figure you out.” I just want to take it a freaking day at a time and see how our conversations flow.

Which leads me to wonder if online dating is for me. I just get the sense that people are in a hurry to either keep or discard someone because we have others right at our fingertips. I’m willing to go out on another date with J2 because I know that I wasn’t ready for that kiss. I’m not going to simply discard him. I don’t even know him like that, and I have other stuff going on internally. If we keep seeing each other and develop a real friendship, I might feel differently about his kiss. I don’t know.

I don’t think J2 meant he had me “figured out” in a bad way, but I don’t like to hear that, period. You should want to take the time to peel back another person’s layers, not take their soundbites and fabricate your own meaning from that. 

If you seek to “figure someone out” without taking the time to do so, you’re going to put together your own life experiences and paste them onto someone else. All we have are our own experiences. Our own lens. It’s not fair to put your lens on someone else after sitting down with them for 15 minutes. And I've had so many life experiences that he doesn't even know about. He doesn't even know .001% of everything that makes me, me. 

So that kind of irked me, but I went with it and laughed it off. 

I asked him a question about his normal life, something along the lines of where he was from, and he answered me but then said, “Do you want to ask the typical date questions or do you want to ask me something real? How many times have you heard that on a date?”

This, coupled with the exhausted look he had on his face, gave me the impression he’s been on a lot of dates. Not really the impression you want to give.

I didn’t quite like how he wanted to skip through the chapter, but I went with it.

Those were the things that stood out to me. Can you find what you're looking for in 15 minutes? My ex-boyfriend and I hit it off pretty immediately—probably within the first 10 minutes. But he’s my ex for a reason, right? Maybe that’s not a sign of anything in the end. J2 and I ended up spending 2.5 hours with each other, and it didn’t seem that long… so I guess that’s a positive.

I’m going to give this online dating thing a chance, but I am leaning more towards meeting someone in person. I want something organic that starts from a friendship. 

We’ll see if I can find something organic through something so mechanical. 

This is where society is headed.

Him.

I had my date with J2 tonight. It went well. I think. It did, right?

It started off... interestingly. I saw him as I was getting out the car and he seemed really tired, by the look on his face. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if he really wanted to be on the date or not. But I put on my happy face and we walked to the restaurant. I think he might have been a little nervous. I don’t know, it was a little hard to read.

We sat down at the table and things got smoother there. He’s still funny, we shared a pizza, and I had a Hefeweizen, my favorite beer. He actually guessed that was my favorite beer before I ordered it. It was good. Everything was good. We kind of flirted. Nothing bad happened. I had a nice time.

But I just can’t shake this feeling.

We walked around after we ate and found an arts center. The man at the door let us in for free and we sat in a modern dance/play for a few minutes. Then we got bored and left. He held my hand a little big during the show, which was ok, but not really what I wanted. But I went with it because, why not?

Afterwards, he walked me to my car and kissed me. I was fine up until then. I didn’t really want to kiss him, but I did it anyway, and I wish I didn’t. He went in for it, and I just let it happen. He was fun, and I was happy, so why not? I was happy during the date, wasn’t I? He made me laugh, and he asked important questions, and he didn’t offend me. I was happy.

But now I just can’t shake this feeling.

I kept having flashbacks to when I kissed him. He was the last guy I kissed.

When I kissed him, it was so natural. Our lips were so in sync. I didn’t have to even think when I kissed him. I loved kissing him. Everything about it. Everything he did. It just flowed.

With him.

But it didn’t flow with J2. His lips were not in sync with mine. 

Not like his. Not like him.

And on the drive back home, my mood just started to deteriorate. I swear, I was happy during the date but now, I can’t even remember what that felt like. Now I question if I ever felt happy at all.

I swear I did, but I can’t remember. All I can think about is him. I’m at the point if J2 calls me for a second date, cool. If he doesn’t, ::shrugs::

J2 just made me want to feel him all over again. I don't know how to stop loving him. 

I just want to make it stop. Why doesn't he want me?

Ha... so I see you're very punny

Just Saturday I was writing about how D stood me up, and now I’m writing to tell you all I have a possible date on Wednesday with J2.

J2. 

What should I say about J2? He’s attractive, seemingly goal-oriented, and happens to be the first guy I reached out to personally.

I almost don’t want to talk about him because I don’t want him to stand me up like D did. I guess that’s kind of superstitious of me.

What I know about J2 is pretty vague. He has a love for underground hip-hop, and an “open mind.” He has a football player frame, but I don’t know what exactly he does for a living. I’ve asked and he told me he was an “ass model.”

Yep, that’s what he told me. An “ass model.” Haha, what does that even mean? But based on his profile, he seems to be a little more… "ambitious" than that, so I didn’t believe him. He uses words like “attain” and “vision” in his profile, and all of his pictures are of him in a suit! Well, other than the one of him skydiving. So c’mon, I wasn’t about to believe this dude was an ass model.

In fact, I didn’t believe him so much so, I sent him this reply:

Ooooh, of course, an ass model. I was going to guess that, actually. Totally seems like your thing.... But I have a feeling you're pulling my leg... I feel like I'm being made to be the BUTT of your joke.

Haha, I should probably erase that incredibly corny pun but I just don't have it in me.

Yea, I actually said that to someone I don’t know at all. I know I can be sarcastic, but I don’t even usually use puns, haha! Still, I got the vibe he could take it, so I waited for his reply. He sent: 

Ha.... so I see you're very punny. Yes I am an ass model. Tell me about some of YOUR dreams and aspirations.

Oh nooo, Jasmine. You offended the guy! I felt like such an asshole, I sent him:

Lol, omg, I seriously didn't believe you! I've never even heard of an "ass model"! Hand models, leg models, feet models, but never have I heard of an ass model. What does an ass model do? I hope I didn't offend you, but I probably did!

Lol, shit. I guess you think I'm a total jerk. I'm so sorry!

I have lots of dreams and aspirations. Do you even want to hear after I've offended you?

He said:

Haha I see that you are somewhat gullible. LMAO I'm not an ass model. I would imagine that they model their assets though... I can be punny too. Lmao let's hear your dreams and aspirations.

And finally, I said:

LMAO I knew it! I should've stuck with my gut! Wow, you got me. 

Good pun, too. LOL I was going to send you, "I feel like such an asshole" but I decided against it LOL... Man, you got me real good. I like your style, haha. I'm getting the sense you're a little troublemaker..

Then he asked me for my number and what I was doing next week. So that’s who I’m dealing with. I think I like it. But I also liked D’s responses too, so unfortunately, liking his banter does not mean he won’t be an inconsiderate jerk in real life. I asked J2 what he really did and he skated around the question... so we’ll see what that’s about.

For all I know, his pictures are from 5 years ago, he lied about everything on his profile, and he really is an "ass model," with three kids from three different baby mommas.

We have a tentative date this Wednesday. Time and place still to be determined. He said he would text me further details later today.

All I can do is be myself and hope for the best.

Extensive nonverbal communication is not for me

Today’s Easter Sunday. I was going to head to the gym but I was so tired, I just couldn’t get out of bed. This was the first time I missed the gym out of laziness in 2.5 months, ever since I started going religiously on Feb 23rd. 

I was up last night texting C, N, and L. N seems to be getting more out of his shell now, which is good. He was giving me short responses for a bit, and I wasn’t sure how to read that. I think he might be a bit shy but who the eff knows. I don’t know him for jack.

C and I talked for a while and he texted me “good morning,” which isn’t a bad thing, but I think I’m just… so over the small talk. I hate building relationships through words written on a screen. I absolutely hate it.

And it's probably because of this guy I knew before, years ago. 

Isn't it always? Haha.

We met in Tokyo during our study abroad program and oddly, we didn’t really start talking to each other until he left. We were Facebook friends and we bonded over written statuses and musings. It’s so stupid now that I think about it, but I know so many other people have been through this before too. It began when a friend of his died and I commented that I was sorry for his loss. That led to him messaging me about death and dying, and we were both so “existential and intellectual,” we would message each other pages upon pages of our own thoughts and ideas. 

What did it all mean? 

::gag::

Well, Facebook led to exchanging Skype screen names and next thing I knew, we were IMing each other all day every day. Sun up to sun down. It didn’t matter if it was 4AM in Japan or 4AM in Philadelphia. I could talk to him about anything, and I felt like I really knew him. Buddhism, death, fitness, dreams, aspirations, Satanism, dogs. We talked—I mean, IMed—about everything and I felt so close to him. He had a lot of qualities I wanted in another person. I remember he told me I was the first person he talked to when he woke up.

It was like that for an entire year, and when I came back to the States, we made plans to see each other. I bought a train ticket to Philadelphia, and would you believe the moment I stepped on the train, he texted me talking about how “he wasn’t feeling well”?

Red flag #1.

I called him and he said he was sorry, and that he could still come meet me. 

Huh, that was weird. ::rolls eyes::

When we saw each other, he was "feeling fine," and we had a great time. We explored Chinatown, saw some art exhibit on the water, and talked on a park bench for hours. Our interaction wasn’t forced, it flowed freely. He even said so himself.

Of course, that was the last time I saw him. I would text him and he would give me sporadic responses. I got the hint and stopped talking to him.

Over the years, he has tried to pick up where we left off but I will never forgive him for what he did. You don’t do that to a person, and surely not a friend. About 2 years later in Ecuador, I had a dream that we were friends again, just catching up at a restaurant. The dream made me so mad, I messaged him on Facebook asking him what happened and why our friendship fell off the way he did.

His excuse was that he sometimes needs to drop off the face of the Earth and not speak to anyone. He likes to come in and out of people’s lives. That was what he said. 

Well, I don’t need friends like that. I blocked him on Facebook shortly after.

He tried to Skype me the other day, talking about his life and what he’s doing. I was short with him, and I think he got the point I don’t want him in my life.

::sigh:: I say all this to say I am not interested in extensive nonverbal communication whatsoever. I do not want to interact with a person on a friendship level if we haven’t even established that connection in real life. The thing with Phillyman is, we actually did meet in person, but our relationship grew online and it gave me a false perception of what type of relationship we had. The internet allows you to say certain things without feeling a sense of true vulnerability, and I think he probably had intimacy issues. Some human beings are afraid of being real and being seen.

Ugh, who knows. He was probably just a dick at the end of the day. The point is, I don’t want to ever go through that again. 

I never, ever want to go through that again. It was so painful for me. I think I’m still mad about it, lol… it’s been four years. Well, not mad. But just, confused. He really threw me for a loop.

So texting back and forth about our interests and likes/dislikes with these potential online matches does nothing for me. As a matter of fact, it gives me a bad feeling, because I’ve been through that before.

I don’t want to make it seem like I’m in a rush to meet someone, but I don’t want to slip into this cycle of feeling like we’re getting to know each other when we don’t know each other at all.

Maybe online dating isn’t for me.

Stood Up

Welp, D stood me up. 

I had a feeling that was going to happen. Just instinct. I woke up this morning in a bad mood and I wasn’t sure why. I kept trying to psych myself up for the date, and I just couldn’t. I kept asking myself, “What is wrong, Jasmine? You have a date tonight, get excited!”

But deep down, I just knew it wasn’t going to happen.

I texted him around 5:30PM saying, “We’re still on for tonight…?” and he never responded. I really don’t know how I knew but my instincts have never been wrong about anything. I guess I shouldn’t be too down about it, seeing that he plagiarized a line in his profile, lol… That’s pretty lame.

I have to admit, I’m disappointed. I wish my instincts picked up on it sooner, because I was looking forward to meeting him. He still seemed funny, and we were just texting a few days ago, exchanging jokes and whatnot. I never really understand it when these things happen. 

At least I got to save some gas. Lord knows I’ll need every drop for my camping trip next weekend.

I’ve stopped talking to W—abruptly, I might add. I just wasn’t feeling him, and I guess that’s what happened to me? I never joked around with him though… he didn’t really give off that fun vibe. D and I had a fun back and forth. 

Anyway, he stood me up. More fish in the sea, right? Right. 

So there’s C, N, J1, J2, L, and Jo. Those are the guys I’m dealing with offline through text. Of those, I’m most looking forward to J2, but I’m not getting a secure vibe from him either. The first day we texted, we had a pretty consistent back and forth, and he has made me laugh, but who the hell knows lol… I get the feeling he’s playing the field, which is fine, but at the same time, I don’t like to be put on anyone’s back burner. Well, no one does.

Dating is hard, haha. And I just started! I hope J2 asks me out. The thing with D, I wasn’t really all that attracted to him, but I wanted to meet him because of his personality. I’m reasonably attracted to J2 and we’ve had fun conversation. But he texted me last night at 12AM and I was not about to respond to that. Those are booty call hours and I am not the one.

::shurgs:: We’ll see. 

Right now I’m texting C, N, and L all at the same time. For real, I don’t think I’m about this life lol… I just want to hurry up and meet them so I can make a decision with whether or not I want to continue talking to them. I hate having to be polite and make conversation without even seeing their face or body language. That’s so stupid to me. You can't establish a real connection online and I firmly believe that. But at least N said we should get together next week. As did J1. And J2. So that means nothing. Even if they give me a time and place, that still means nothing.

And now the one I love is texting me about how he had a dream about a girl he met a few months ago. 

Yay, my life is so fucking awesome.

Be positive, Jasmine. Tomorrow is another day.

Zero to 60 in 5 seconds

So, it’s been five days since I began dating online.

I am so overwhelmed.

Something about me that I should add here is that although I'm 25, I haven't had the opportunity to date as much as my peers. The thing that had held me back were my decisions to travel and never be in one place for too long. That lifestyle didn't really leave much room for anything else, and while I loved it at the time, I have no desire to live that life anymore.

So, what has happened so far?

Day one was spent creating a profile, which took me forever to do. It's awkward talking about yourself on a dating platform. I'm used to simply being asked and figured out, not putting it all out there. So like me, I ended up writing a book and shortened it down, haha. I want people to have an idea of me, not feel like they know me. That's not the point of online dating to me. The point is to simply contact people you think you could possibly have something with, chat briefly online to see if that may be true (and make sure they don't screw up, haha), and then meet in person to see what’s real.

I'm coming to find out people aren't that straightforward, haha.

After I set up my profile, and only six days later, I have messaged 14 guys—six of whom I have contacted first.

Zero to 60 in 5 seconds!

Of those 14, I am interested in eight and a half, haha. I say a half because I smell bullshit on one of them, haha. I’ve given my number to five of them.

I’m overwhelmed because I’m totally not used to talking to so many people at one time, dating or otherwise. I’m so used to being in my own bubble, living at my own pace, without any real consideration of other people (as single-minded and selfish as that sounds). I keep a small circle of friends and its takes a special connection for me to let someone in that circle. People are great, but I just take the word “friendship” seriously.

Because of this, and the fact that I’m a straight-to-the-point kind of girl, I don’t really want to message you back and forth for a prolonged period of time without even meeting you. The internet is a strange place. It makes people think they know each other when they don’t. Some people feel more comfortable with an emotional boundary. Others might not even want to meet you, but just flirt online. 

And some just want to exchange dirty pictures. Aw hell nah.

All of things of which I’m not into. If I haven’t met you personally, I’m not going to play internet girlfriend. I’m definitely looking for a real connection, and emotion is a part of the package. Some people are afraid of that, and I understand why, but that’s not how I live. And I’m not the type of girl to send dirty pictures either, even if I do know you! Haha.

So there’s W, J, Jo, T, and D. Those are the guys who have my number and who have texted me. Of those five, D has pleased me the most. Why?

Well, his profile made me laugh from the beginning, and I’m a huge sucker for someone with a good sense of humor. It gets me every time.

I contacted him first. Honestly, I wasn’t extremely attracted to him by looking at his picture but something made me click on his name. He looked ok, no big deal. But once I read his profile, I knew I had to send him a message. He’s very funny, writes well, and seems to be quite intelligent. 

The line that got me was… well, ahem, I was going to write it here, but wow, this is an interesting turn of events.

I typed what he said in google and decided to look it up to make sure it wouldn’t lead back to his page, for his privacy.

Welp, turns out there have been a lot of people posting that SAME EXACT LINE on other dating websites. It’s even on Reddit as “Best Hooks.” Best freaking HOOKS!

Wow, I feel like a jackass. ::sigh::

We have a date this Saturday night. 

We’re supposed to get coffee.

Haha, he wasn’t even the one I smelled bullshit on!! But welcome to online dating, Jasmine. Ha!

Interesting. I’m still going to meet him, because based on his messages so far, I think he is actually funny, and those were texts. Unless he’s right by his playbook as he’s texting me, I believe his quippy one-liners were from him. But I don’t like that his line from his profile was taken from somewhere else. And it’s on freaking Reddit! Not a good look. Makes me feel like a pawn, and that is one thing I am not.

I’m glad I found out though, because that’s some serious leverage. I may bring it up, I may not.

There are so many more stories to tell but I think I’m going to end it here for the day, lol.

Until next time! I can tell this is going to be quite the adventure.

Where does it begin and where does it end?

Hello, my name is Jasmine and I would tell you about myself, but I don’t have to.

Why?

Because I’m just like you. My story is your story. I was born, I live, I work, I laugh, and at times, I feel alone.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a very happy person. There’s nothing more exciting to me than this “ride of life,” and at 25, I’ve lived a much more full life than most people my age.

But I’m living through this human experience like every other one of you, and we all feel it. The need to be close to someone else. The need to rely on someone and have someone rely on you. To share holidays and laughs and secrets.

To see them, and to be seen.

To fall in love.

I’m just like you—and don’t deny it, don’t run from it. Embrace it, because no one’s getting out of here alive. Love may be the most excruciating, beautiful, tragic, vulnerable noun/verb there is in existence, but it’s something we all go through because it’s who we are.

Well, at least, it’s who I am.

And this is my story. Where does it begin and where does it end?

I can’t possibly start with all the experiences that led me here. All the crushes I’ve had, all the smiles exchanged, all the sleepless nights spent wondering if he liked me. I have been loved, and not loved in return. I have loved, and his love was not returned.

Just like that, I'm here. Twenty-fives years old, single, and ready to mingle. I hear there's plenty of fish in the sea.

Follow me and my journey into dating, online and off.

-------

I joined a popular dating site on April 11, 2014 while working from home in my PJs in the middle of the afternoon, and although it has only been six days, I have so many stories can barely keep straight. So much has happened in such a short period of time, I honestly can't believe it.

I started this blog because I knew that it would be something I would want to document--the good and the bad--and it has proven itself to be very true. I haven't laughed and been so simultaneously confused in a long time.

Before I go any further, I will never give out any identifying information on myself or who I correspond with (no real names or screen names). That is not the purpose of this blog at all. 

This blog's purpose is to have the opportunity to reflect on things that are happening, explore myself and my interactions, and remember this time when I'm old and grey. 

Jas