I just want to feel rooted

Well, I’m back from my vacation. My week back at home was really nice, and I realized just how homesick I really was. It was so nice to be able to just sit on the couch with my mom and laugh at things on TV. I have missed that so much.

I had so much fun, by the end of the week I decided I was going to move back in September. I’m really not sure what the fuck I’m doing.

After Ecuador, all I wanted to do was be near my mom, meet someone special, start a family, and have my mom close by. I don’t want my kids to grow up without their grandmother nearby. That’s so important to me, I’m willing to go back.

Of course He has something to do with this too. I made sure I didn’t drink too much around him, and we didn’t even flirt with each other. It was normal. I met his parents and everything was fine. But I’m still absolutely crazy about him. Head over heels. If I need to move back so we can start something, so be it. Even if he doesn’t want to, that’s fine because at the end of the day, I need to be near my mom. I really do. And its far easier to date there than here. How can I take anyone seriously here if I don’t want to start a family here? At least there, if he doesn’t want me, I can find someone else and take them seriously. I know where to hang out, I have friends I can go out with and meet other guys.

Why September? Because that’s when my license expires and why would I want to spend $200+ dollars to get it renewed in another state and change my tags when I can use that money for another cross country road trip and be at home?

I don’t know. This is all fucking crazy. I’m so jet lagged and tired, I’m not even thinking straight right now. 

One on hand, I want to leave it all to the universe and let it work itself out, and on the other, I want to go ahead and move back before my birthday.

For his graduation gift, I got him his favorite brands of cookies. Two packages of Oreos, two packages of Chips Ahoy, two packages of All-Abouts, and two packages of Bordeaux. Topped with a small box of his favorite chocolates. I put all that in a box, wrapped it, put that box in a bigger box, wrapped that, and then put that box in a bigger box… and of course, wrapped that. So watching the look on his face as he opened each box was really funny. He said it was the best gift he’s gotten so far.

I really love that guy. I love him so much, I can’t even help myself. I flew across country just for his graduation and got him a ridiculous gift that clearly says, “I love you like crazy.”

I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten him that gift. It’s not weird between us at all, but just for my own sanity, maybe I shouldn’t have done that.

I just don’t know what to do. Moving back would be a win for me regardless of what happens between me and him. Being with my mom again is so important to me. We’re really close and it just doesn’t feel right living far away from her now. I’ve had my fun traveling the world, and I’m done with that now. My focus is family, and although my dad is here, he’s not alone like my mom. My dad has my step-mom and my little sister. My mom isn’t married, she isn’t dating, and she doesn’t have any other kids. Granted, she doesn’t need anyone else, and she does have her two brothers and sister-in-law, but I’m her daughter, her only child, and I will be the other who takes care of her when she’s older. I want that responsibility… and although she’s in great health and is still young, I don’t want to build a life somewhere else and have to uproot, or have her uproot. 

That’s what’s on my mind, in the forefront. I belong where she is. And I feel so much more comfortable back east because I don’t have to relearn anything. I’m sick of learning a new area or “getting used to” something. At home, I don’t have to do any of that. I know where all the hang out spots are, all my friends are there. Everything is just second nature.

I just want to move back home. Feel rooted.

I haven't checked my dating site in weeks. Last I checked, I got two messages from two different guys but I haven't read them. I just... don't feel very excited about it anymore. Especially not now.

You're on a diet, Jasmine

I knew J2 and I weren’t compatible from the beginning, but I really should’ve known when he placed some of the blame on Rachel Jeantel when Zimmerman got off. Then he proceeded to talk about how some Black people enforce stereotypes and it’s detrimental to all of us.

Yea, no. Not the one. If you’re for me, you’ll know damn well this system of white supremacy has little to do with how we act, and far more to do with who holds power and why.

Recognizing the system of white supremacy for what it is is important to me. I’m not perfect, I have a lot to learn, and I’ll never understand it completely, but I don’t want to have to teach a man, especially a Black man, on how it works. Maybe that’s not fair because it took me a long time to get here myself… but honestly, our discussion about that was not the “last straw” or anything. It was the fact that I just didn’t click with him in the first place.

Anyway, after wrote my blog last night, he responded with “I think you misunderstood my intentions but that’s fine if you don’t feel comfortable.”

C’mon, dawg. We’re all adults here. But I guess that’s the best way to save face. Deny, deny, deny.

So today, I sent him, “Yea, that’s way too fast. I don’t even know your last name, nor do you know mine. We haven’t established any sort of trust between us whatsoever. I think you’re really nice and I appreciate you taking me out but I don’t quite think we’re compatible. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

He said, “I agree. Take care.”

I’m just glad I put on my big girl panties and ended it.

I had an epiphany today. Ever since I joined the online dating community, I was in such a rush to find someone. I was dealing with a lot of things at the time. Moving across country with no friends. Not being able to have a social life because I live somewhere boring. And Him. I loved Him and I needed to… stop. I just wanted it to stop. And I needed to stop before his graduation so I wouldn’t start again.

I’m still having trouble sleeping because I always think about him right before bed. I can’t help it, and I wish I could control it. I talk to myself out loud and ask myself why he’s entering my mind. I have to remind myself I’m a strong person. I say what goes. He doesn’t want you, Jasmine. Move on.

He’s like cake. Good in small slices every now and then. Not too much. A small slice of cake is simply sending him a text here and there. 

You’re on a diet, Jasmine. Don’t have too much.

But sometimes, I have days where I just want to devour the whole cake, eating with my hands, crumbs all over my mouth, icing all over my fingers, crazed eyes. Happy about every goddamn bite. Fuck it! Who needs dieting?! You only live once.

No. I’ll regret it. What good will that do? It will be a huge step backwards and I’ll be so heartbroken. I’ll like the cake at the time, but then I’ll realize what I’ve done and hate myself for it.

I get so wrapped up in daydreaming about him, I literally forget where I am. I was reading on my kindle and by the time I came to, the kindle that was right in front of my face the whole time scared the shit out of me. I totally forgot it was even there.

Why does he affect me like this? Why him? If I were to say what I wanted in a man, the only thing he has is a sense of humor. Yea, he’s smart, and our conversations flow, but not on the level I’m normally looking for. He has the emotional range of a teaspoon and he would never go on an adventure with me. Well, yea, I think he would, but he wouldn’t suggest it or be particularly excited about it. But if he went, I think he would be happy he did.

Fuck it, that’s neither here nor there. I will see him for his graduation and his party, and that’ll be it. I’ll try to make plans with other people so I’m really busy during the week. I think he’ll be busy during the week too, so that’ll work to my advantage.

I wasn’t even supposed to go to his party next Saturday but he sent me the address, date, and time and said, “Thanks for coming to stuff. It’ll be really nice seeing you.”

And I guess that sealed the deal. I can still back out, I guess, although I’ll feel like an asshole. Maybe he won’t even notice I’m not there. He’ll have so many other people to attend to… but I have a feeling he thinks I’m not going to come through because of that one time I made plans to see him after I had a break from Japan and didn’t come through. He still brings that up.

Sigh. I don’t fucking know. This isn’t about me being flakey, this is me protecting my heart. I can’t keep doing this to myself.

I just have to get through this week and not drink with him at all. At least I won’t have that opportunity on his graduation day, and his party will be at his parent’s house, so I won’t be drinking there. So during the week and Saturday night will be the only days I’ll have to worry about. 

I’ll get through it. He doesn’t want to be with me anyway.

Sometimes you gotta remember to throw them back

So, J2.

After I didn’t hear from him, I sent him, “Hey, what happened to you? Did you remember saying you wanted to have a date tonight?”

He sent, “Hey I never heard back from you about going out, so I wasn’t sure that we were still on for this evening.”

Wrong answer.

Let me back up. When J2 asked me to go out Wednesday, it was his idea and I said I would like to. “What do you want to do?” I asked. He said, “Don’t worry about it, I’ll think of something.”

I said, “Are you sure? You came up with the last date ideas…”

And he said, “No, don’t worry about it. Be ready for an adventure.”

“Haha, oookkk…” was my response.

He knew the ball was in his court. He didn’t follow through for whatever reason.

For a while, I was trying to figure out what to say to him. Did I want to end it right then? No. Why not? Because I wanted to see if he would acknowledge he was wrong. Oh yes, I’m stubborn, even if I don’t really care about him. I don’t like it when people think they can slight me and give me the blame. It’s the principle.

So, in response to his text of “never hearing back from me, I said, “Last I heard from you, you were going to let me know what you wanted to do. ‘Be ready for an adventure’ was what you said. It’s cool though, no worries. Just would’ve been nice to have a heads up.”

When I said “It’s cool though, no worries,” I really meant it. There’s something off about him, more than just the kiss. We just don’t click, and I need to recognize that and cut him loose. Honestly, I was glad he didn’t call/text and cancel because it would give me an excuse to stop talking to him. It’s stupid. I should just grow a pair and end it like an adult. I guess I was hesitant because I wanted to give it a chance, even if I knew deep down he wasn’t right.

He sent, “Maybe there’s been some miscommunication. You mentioned you hate texting but I called you and now we’re texting =) lol”

I didn’t respond to that statement at first because he was clearly skating around the issue. He didn’t even have a response to what I said, or an apology. I think the real deal is that he had a date with someone else and decided to go on that one. That’s just what my gut says. That’s totally fine, but common courtesy is to make up some stupid excuse, haha.

Yea, I’ll admit I haven’t been putting in work. In my defense, I have been running around trying to get my trip back home in order, so I haven’t really had the time to call him back. But I know the real reason is that I’m just not interested. Because if this was someone else who I was interested in, I’d find the time. That’s how it always works, with anyone. You will always find the time.

I didn’t respond to that, then he sent me a few hours later, “How about this… I can bring some ingredients to your place… pick your favorite movie and I’ll cook dinner.”

HA! You crazy, bruh? You must be crazy.

Hell no. You already move way too fast, kissing me and holding my hand and shit (which I didn’t say no to because I have to learn to put my foot down in these awkward scenarios). You set up a date, talk to me a bit through text, don’t even answer my last text, and then don’t call and cancel the date that you set up. No apology, and no explanation. And now you think, “Hey, let me just invite myself over to her house.”

Nigga done lost his mind.

So in this situation, I’m teetering on the edge of simply shutting it down with the straight-forward “I’m not interested because you move way too fast and I think we’re two different people” or just letting it falter off by not answering any of his texts or calls.

The latter is cowardly, the former is… harsh? How would I want to be rejected? I’m really not sure. I wouldn’t want the person to just disappear without an explanation. In my mind, I would like the guy to tell me why he’s not interested… but would I really? I don’t know, I haven’t figured it out yet.

So after laughing and laughing and laughing at the fact that he invited himself over my house as a third date, I sent, “Much too soon on the third date, in my opinion. I’m going back to dc so I’ll hit you up when I get back.”

I was just planning on never texting him again. Maybe I should say, “Hey, you were really nice and I appreciate you taking me out but I don’t think we have a connection.”

That’s simple enough, I guess. Not harsh at all. Doesn’t really get into the why, but I guess that doesn’t matter.

The problem with me and this dating thing is that I’m so positive and happy to be doing something different... so much so that that happiness is projected onto the other person and the event as a whole, and I can’t tell the difference between enjoying the person, or simply enjoying being out of my house talking with someone new. It isn’t until the day after that I realize I don’t really like them like that. They were just nice and I was having a good time. 

I’m thinking about my ex-boyfriend and I remember the feeling of not wanting the night to end. He was an attractive guy and we talked about death and meaning on our first date. An intellectual for sure, and that was great. But I think our ultimate demise was when he talked about Black culture like it was some sort of social learning experience for him. ::sigh:: Too much to get into right now…

Anyway, I’m just going to keep dating, but I’m certainly not going to force anything. I’m going to continue to listen to myself and try to make sound decisions and truly try to think about why I’m making those decisions. I know it’s safe to say J2 is not the one for me, I guess I was just waiting for a sign. I don’t know what most girls allow on their third date, but coming to my house is certainly not an option for me. I don’t think I want a guy who would suggest it—not that soon. I don’t even know J2’s last name! And he hasn’t even asked mine. I didn’t let my ex over my house until the 7th or 8th date. By then, we really had a good gauge of each other and I felt like I could trust him. And we talked on the phone constantly before we even suggested going into each others homes. Communication with J2 isn’t nearly as consistent, or even that enjoyable. He's just ok.

I’m going to listen to my instincts. I don’t like J2, end of story.

There are more fish in the sea. Sometimes you gotta remember to throw them back.

Sleepless.

Welp, today’s Wednesday and I figured I should write something since I haven’t written in a while.

What are the updates? 

TLN and I have been messaging a bit more, and that’s cool. I’m not sure where I want to go with him, but there’s no harm in talking with a nice guy.

J2. Last I heard from J2 was Thursday or Friday, I think. He called me and asked me if I wanted to go out on Wednesday. I said ok and he said he would think of something for us to do. We texted a bit on Sunday and he didn’t respond to my text. Wednesday has come and gone, and I haven’t heard from him since.

I feel so nonchalant about it. I already know I’m not really interested so, it’s really not big deal to me. But I sent him a text to make sure he’s ok, because he didn’t seem like the type to cancel without notice. He was always prompt and confirmed the night before.

We’ll see what he says. Maybe he picked up on my disinterest. 

Haven't been talking to N. But I have been texting a new guy A. We exchanged numbers a little while ago... maybe 2 weeks now. He's cool. We just talk about Game of Thrones. 

As far as dating, I’m just chillin right now. I haven’t been on the site in forever. 

I haven’t been able to sleep because I’ve been so anxious about seeing Him. I’m going to see him in 5 days. Those feelings are still there, as much as I hate to admit it, but I’m going to go to his graduation and after that, I’m going to try to avoid him. He invited me to a party he’s having at his parent house next Saturday. I don’t know if I want to go or not. Idk, I’m just going to take it one day at a time.

Ugh, I don’t even feel like writing anymore.

"I'm not into politics, I'm into revolutions"

“I’m not into politics, I’m into revolutions.”

When TLN said that to me, he struck something serious.

Our date went quite well.

He is definitely nerdy, and a little awkward, but that was cool to me. We’re on different wavelengths as far as our outward personalities. TLN is a little soft-spoken and he speaks slowly, and I found myself intentionally slowing down to let him talk at his own pace.

I’m a very friendly person, especially when I meet someone new. I like to ask them questions and talk about them so I can learn and see what kind of person they are. Once I asked him something, he would take his time responding, and after he finished a sentence, I thought he was done, but he wasn’t. He really takes his time speaking and articulating his thoughts, which i found interesting. So I quickly learned to give him time with what he wanted to say and simply listen and let him kind of lead the conversation. I didn’t want to move too quickly from one topic to another because I was misinterpreting his way of communicating. I felt very fast-paced in relation to him, which was interesting to feel. I’ve never felt that before.

But our conversation went great. I really want to learn more about him. His love of computers far exceeds my understanding of them. He talked about all sorts of things in that realm I never even heard of. We talked about Reddit, and Japan, and how his parents are flight attendants so he has been able to travel abroad most of his life.

We both seem goal-oriented, but will move from thing to thing, maybe without finishing the first thing we set out to accomplish, haha. He talked to me about how he’s trying to get into meditation and some brainwave device. I wasn’t really clear on that part but he says studies have shown it helps people focus. I feel like TLN has a lot of knowledge about things I haven’t even thought about, haha, which I find very intriguing. 

I asked him if he was into politics and he gave me a look like he didn’t want to go into detail (maybe too soon to talk about with someone you don’t know), but after a while, he said “I’m not into politics, I’m into revolutions.” I still can’t get over that quote. It struck me so hard. It was such a profound thing for him to say, and I’m very interested in hearing more of his thoughts and ideas on that. You don’t hear stuff like that every day. Clearly, I’m dealing with someone intelligent and thoughtful. Thoughtful in the sense that he’s very in his thoughts. He told me about the Icelandic Revolution that happened in around 2010 in which the people wrote a new constitution and have a connected system on the internet. I need to do more research to fully understand what happened, but he's very interested in how technology shapes society and how it functions. It's very attractive that he's interested in that sort of thing.

Physically, I don’t know if I ever would’ve noticed him at a bar or anything. He’s not unattractive at all, just not my typical “type.” I did get the feeling he was attracted to me, based on the way he looked at me when I smiled, so that was nice.

I think he would like to go on a second date. I would too. I’m very intrigued. I love smart guys.

Something I should add is that I feel a little more comfortable with him than I do J2. I'm not quite sure why. I felt like TLN wanted to take his time and just talk as people. J2 rushed more and wanted to talk to me as a potential girlfriend. TLN made me feel a little safer. I still don't know him but that's just the first impressions I've gotten so far. We'll see what happens next time. I have a date with J2 on Wednesday, so we'll see how things go.

"You deserve a hell of a lot better"

"You deserve a hell of a lot better."

A good friend of mine told me that today after I told him JDrums has yet to respond to my text. I got so into JDrums, I almost forgot that fact and if it weren't for my friend reminding me, I'd probably still be a little hung up on so and so. Yes, I do deserve better because... I'm me, haha. I'm a good person who loves hard and has ambition for days. I'm brave, I'm strong, I'm independent. I don't need validation because I have plenty of confidence to go around. I've traveled the world, I'm a certified sailor, and a good cook. I can speak 3 languages reasonably well and I'm a hard worker. Yes, I deserve someone fucking awesome and I'm not going to settle for someone who doesn't fit my needs. What are those needs? For starters, someone mature and who takes me seriously.

I reached out to JDrums and told him August was a long time from now, hinting I wanted to see him sooner. Nothing too major, just flirting and seeing what he would say. One thing led to another and he suggested meeting somewhere we both have never been. I jokingly said to him "But where haven't you been? Haven't you already been everywhere??" and he never responded.

Honestly, whatever. I get people are busy. The problem is that he hasn't responded in two days, yet he's been on Facebook posting and commenting on stuff. I know he's seen my text and for whatever reason, he's not responding. I just get the feeling he's playing games. I really don't have the time or the patience and I'm too old, mentally, to deal with someone like that. First, he didn't call me for a week because he "didn't want to seem too forthcoming," and now he just seems like a flake. I don't need people like that, I don't care how cute or cool you seem to be.

I want someone reliable, and he doesn't fit the bill. He's lives far away, is always touring, has a young child, and doesn't even seem to have stable communication skills. Who know how many other girls he's doing this to. No thanks, I'll find someone else. I deserve a hell of a lot better than that.

And on that note, I have a date with TLN tonight. He finally reached out and straight up asked me what I was doing the next day. We're going to a tea bar at 7PM, so that should be really nice. I'm kind of excited, but I'm trying not to be. Let's just see if he shows up. If we can get past that, it should be a reasonably good time, haha.

He seems really nerdy and different from the types of guys who usually approach me. I reached out to him first, but I think he liked my pictures, which is what sparked my interest.

I don't know, we'll see how it goes. Hopefully he's nice. Well, I need more than nice. Hopefully we click. It would be cool if he could help me start my garden in the future, too.

The one I'll love next

I’ve been thinking about what I want lately. J2 asked me what I wanted in a man on our last date. The first thing I said was a sense of humor.

A good sense of humor is so important to me, and it’s mainly because He had that. No one can make me laugh like he does. No one. Not yet. It’s so important to me that my next guy has that, because that what I’ll be losing soon. I’ve made my decision that the next time I see him will be for the last time. It sucks I’ll be losing his friendship, but it’s painful being his friend. I’ll never be able to move on because of the way I feel for him and the way that I love in general. 

With me, it’s either all or nothing. I wish I could change that, but that’s simply who I am. I don’t think that’ll ever change.

So a sense of humor is my way of having him. Replacing him. And I can’t tell if that’s unhealthy or not.

I find myself wanting to send funny videos to the guys I’ve been chatting with, because that’s what He and I have. I want to be able to do that with someone else.

But if I really want to let go of him, I need to stop trying to find that in other people. The one I love next might not have that quality, but will have something even better that I don’t even realize I need yet.

So I’m going to strive to have more of an open heart and try very hard to not compare other guys to him. I do appreciate a good sense of humor, but that’s not who I may marry. I have no idea who I’ll marry. I have yet to learn his qualities, his life experiences, what makes him tick, what made me fall in love with him.

The only way I can let someone else in is if I let go of him. I’m not even emotionally open to J2. I know I’m not. I can’t tell if I’m not open because I haven’t completely let go of Him or if I feel off with J2 in general. I really can’t tell.

But I have to move forward. I have to let Him go and try harder to have an open heart. I’m hoping if the right guy comes along, I’ll have an open heart automatically. 

I need to make sure the one I could love next doesn't pass me by.

Dating: A Game of Statistics

For a woman, I’m very open to reaching out but I do like for the man to be a go-getter. If he doesn’t put forth the effort, he’s not worth my time, cute or not. I texted JDrums on Sunday and we chatted for a bit but nothing major. He just finished touring and is probably getting settled in his hometown. I reached out last, so I won’t be doing it again. 

Honestly, I know the situation isn’t ideal. He lives 2,000 miles away, tours the country for a living, and did I mention he has a daughter? But as I said before, you don’t come by a spark that often, and if it’s mutual, it excites me. I’m a romantic at heart so if I want someone, I’ll willing to do what it takes to explore the possibilities. I don’t know JDrums from Adam. He could be a total jerk. I just want to explore his personality, but if he’s preoccupied and has got other things on his mind (which he clearly does), it’s not a big loss. There are other people out here.

Speaking of which, on Sunday, I exchanged numbers with another guy I’ve been chatting with for about two weeks. His first name starts with “I” but that can be confusing so I’ll call him TLN.

I messaged TLN first because it seemed like his screen name had something to do with photography. Once I found out it didn’t, that was ok because there was a lot more that was interesting.

TLN seems to be a very intelligent, nerdy-cute white guy. He works and loves computers but what really got me was his involvement with organic farming and his year on a college commune. We talked back and forth and he seemed interested, based off the fact that he would send long, detailed responses and usually ask a question back. Always a good sign.

We talked about buying land, and food security, and technological advancement and how it has the ability to mold the world into something more fair and balanced. He even told me he desired to live off the grid at one time, but has since toned down that dream because of his steady job in the city.

That was a big deal to me because I feel like I’ll always have a burning desire to live off the grid, even if I never get the chance to. All of those things really peaked my interest because I’ve never had the opportunity to meet someone who is so involved in that facet of life. I’ve always been interested but I never had “an in.” Not yet, at least.

So after all of that discussion online, he finally asked me for my number and said he would like to get “tea/beer.” I didn't offer my number first because he was sporadically online and I wasn’t sure if he was interested in meeting me. Now that we’ve exchanged numbers, we’ve talked briefly. He reached out Sunday, I reached out Monday, but conversation has fell short. We’ll see how it goes.

It’s really weird how conversation flows online, but falters off when you actually exchange numbers. Well, he wasn’t that consistent online either, so this isn’t too surprising. It’s only been two days so it’s no big deal, but statically, we’ll probably never meet, haha.

Well, JDrums just called! We had a good, mildly awkward talk, haha. Seems to be some synergy there because while he’s an artist, he likes science and is also working for some science organization with kids. I’m working with science, too, but in an artistic way, and will hopefully be working with kids in the near future.

He cut right to the chase and asked me when I’m coming to see him in his town, haha. I didn’t take him that seriously—I think he just wanted to see what I would say. He said he’ll be coming to California for sure in August to visit his grandmother and would like the opportunity to see me. We shall see. Going to keep all lines open meanwhile, but I’ll admit I’m looking forward to this development with JDrums.

Who knew one night at that random place in West Virginia would lead to this. I’m really looking forward to getting to know him. Hopefully, we can be somewhat consistent in communication so I can get a feel for what type of person he is.

I will not put all my eggs in one basket though. Like I said, I will keep all my lines open. I will still talk to J2, and be open to going out with TLN if he asks. All of my other options have pretty much fallen through as far as I’m concerned. L texted me yesterday but hasn’t done so in 10 days. Ten days ago I sent him a light-hearted vine and asked him if he saw it before. It took him 10 days to say that he “couldn’t open the video :-(“ 

Yea, ok. I will not be responding. Before that, probably 14 days ago, he “wanted to get together today” but couldn’t because his job scheduled him to work. He volunteered that information out of the blue, didn’t ask me beforehand, and didn’t ask me when I was free in the future. No thanks. I have too much confidence and respect for myself to ignore the fact that there are other people out here more interesting and worthy of my time. I’m certainly have my flaws, but I deserve to be respected and taken seriously.

J has fallen off. No real explanation for that. We never got the chance to meet, so no love lost.

Jo definitely fell off. No explanation for that either. He wasn’t that great of a texter, said so himself, but he never asked me out. Never met, no love lost.

T randomly sent me “hey” a few days ago. I haven’t talked to him since he sent me a picture of himself. I knew what that meant so I nipped that in the bud from jump. Didn’t get a good feeling from and the fact that he waited 3 weeks to say anything else to me is a no-no. He must be out of f*ck buddies.

I stopped talking to W because I didn’t like his vibe either. He seemed nice but I felt like he was off too. I always go with my gut.

At the end of the day, this is just a game of statistics. I’ll find someone eventually, but only through trial and error.

My dear, old friend

My coffee date with N went exceptionally well today. He was funny, very intelligent, and had stories for days. Quite honest, and a good communicator. So funny how different he is while texting. 

We talked about all sorts of stuff. From entitlement in today’s society, to chemistry and science on Reddit, to outer space and other dimensions, to Narcotics Anonymous. Yes, he’s a recovering addict. I wasn’t completely sure which drug he was using but I was so interested in his stories and his life. He’s a mentor at NA for juveniles, and seems to be extremely passionate about it. 

He was so open with me, talking about his home life growing up and how his life is now. I really appreciated our conversation and I’d really like to be friends with him. We walked around the beach and he could easily flow from one conversation to the next.

The only thing that I was kind of put off from is that he didn’t ask very much about me. It wasn’t too off-putting, but it could be a problem if I start to feel like he talks too much. But he would be a great person to hang out with. I don’t really see anything romantic with him, which I had a feeling would be the case, but he could be a good friend.

JDrums hasn’t called or texted today, but I’m not worried. He’ll get in touch if he wants to. If I feel the need, I’ll call him myself tomorrow. It’s no big deal.

Odd thing, I met this girl six years ago and became really good friends with her over the span of a year. We lost touch because I went to Japan, she didn’t have Facebook, and she changed her number. I guess we never exchanged email address either. Over the years, I’ve always thought about her and wondered how she was doing. We used to have such heated debates about so many things— race being one of them— and ever since we lost contact, my ideas of race have come more into line with hers at the time. I found myself wishing I could talk to her and bring up past discussions, and new ones. I always enjoyed our talks.

Anyway, I used to google her just to see if I could somehow find her contact information, but never could because she was so anti-social media. A few times a year I would do this, but never found anything but a film critique for a website, and it didn’t include her email.

Yesterday, I googled her, found her linkedin, and sent her a request. She accepted it, sent me a message, and gave me her number. I called her today and we talked on the phone for about five hours, picking up right where we left off. It’s as if we’ve been friends this entire time and six years hadn’t passed.

Life is so weird. I wish I could count the times I’ve tried to find her and the fact that I talked to her today for so long is crazy to me. Just like that, because of the holy internet, we’re back in each others lives. She was such a great friend, and it’s really nice that I can talk to her again. It feels so good to have my dear, old friend back.

A Spark

Funny how life works.

JDrums ended up calling me on Friday but I didn’t answer because I was about to go out on my second date with J2. At least my gut feeling was right!

First thing first, I had such a great time with J2. I was in such a great mood that JDrums called me, it oddly carried over into my date with J2.

J2 decided to take me to an Irish pub and it was a cool atmosphere. I had a hard apple cider and we talked about all sorts of things. I can’t even remember, really. He keeps saying he wants to volunteer with troubled youth but “troubled youth” is such a broad statement. I feel like anyone who really wants to work with “troubled youth” would know how broad of a statement that is and would be more specific. He told me he volunteers with some organization but I wasn’t clear on exactly what he did. Not that he was lying, I just don’t remember.

Anyway, our interaction was a lot more comfortable this time around. After we ate Scotch Egg (which was delicious), we went to play pool. Usually I don’t even like pool that much because I don’t know what I’m doing at first, but I had a ridiculous amount of fun. 

Something happened and I just wanted to win, win, win. 

I didn’t, haha. I didn’t know it was possible to scratch so many times. But I loved it when I did score. Oh, how I loved it.

There’s chemistry with J2. I’m not sure if it’s “relationship chemistry,” but I know I have a good time with him, he’s a gentleman, and he genuinely wants to get to know me.

He kissed me at the end of the date. I really just wanted it to be a quick kiss, but he kind of made into something a lot longer. It wasn’t as bad as the first time, but we still weren’t as in sync as to what I’m used to. He just kisses kind of weird for me. And yes, once I think about how off it is with J2, I think about that other guy and get butterflies just by the thought. But I’m suppressing it. I just have to keep working at it forgetting him.

I’m rushing through this part of the story because I want to get to the part that’s most exciting to me: JDrums.

I was a mess during my last post. I think I had too much to drink and “that time of the month” is coming. Lord knows I be gettin’ crazy. I seriously can’t help myself. It seems to get worse with age.

But something told me, “Jasmine, calm down, he will call you. He is interested,” and he did! My instinct was right, thank god.

I didn’t answer at first, and I’m glad, because he made me wait for a week. It’s his turn to wait now. 

So I went through my date with J2…. and texted JDrums when I got in the car, haha. Oh dear. Yea, that’s what I did. I simply asked, “…Is this JDrums?” because who knows? It could’ve been the wrong number.

He gave me this weird ass reply back talking about, “Is this the world? What is the world? Who is this JDrums in this world that may or may not exist?”

I replied, “Lol so yes, it is. I’m driving and can’t text!”

He said, “Who is this?”

“………………….??” was my next reply. Because homie knows damn well who it is. He wants to play games and act like he didn’t have my number saved. Unless he’s getting all sorts of texts/calls from unknown numbers and can’t piece together the girl he called earlier is the same one texting him right now. But he knew.

He said, “K bye”

Then, “Who is this?”

Then, “Please :-)”

Yea, he clearly has no idea who’s texting him.

I said, “Hmm, you didn’t save my number? If this is you, you should know who this is”

He said, “It is not in this contact list. See now you have me feeling bad and by technical standards at this time, I don’t even know you! Lol”

He knew.

I said, “But you called me lol. You don’t know who you called earlier today?”

Then he said “You know what I did, and I didn’t sync my Facebook contacts yet, Jasmine. I’m sorry lol, that was fun but I don’t want you to think I’d forgotten about you :)”

So after that, we texted for about 30 minutes, talking about how I knew it was him the whole time, how we both were doing, and how cute my dog is, haha. Then I said I had to go because I was tired but asked him to call me the next day after 5 if he was free. He said he would, so we’ll see if he will. 

During the conversation, I also teased him about him waiting a week to call and he said he didn’t want to seem too “forthcoming,” haha. Yea, I figured he was biding his time. 

I’m just glad we’re developing a more personal contact, outside of Facebook, and I hope we graduate to speaking on the phone. I don’t want us to have a texting relationship, for reasons I’ve already explained in past posts. 

I can’t believe it’s been a year since I’ve seen him—and that time was so brief. Did I mention he has a young child? I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. I’m more focused on getting to know him to see if I even like his personality. But there’s definitely a spark there. A real spark. A spark I think we both felt the day we first saw each other. I could be wrong. But I have this feeling. And I’m certainly not willing to take that spark or this feeling lightly. 

Sparks are hard to find, and I will do my best to explore it. That spark happened a year and a half ago and there’s a reason why it has carried over until now. It doesn’t mean that “he’s the one,” but it means something and I have to see what it is.

Oh, I have a date with N, finally. I'll be meeting him today at a coffee shop in an hour.

One Bottle of Sweet Riesling

12:12AM on a Friday. Up because I haven't written in a while. I've been quite busy with work, and I also went camping Tuesday in Death Valley with my doggie. Got back Wednesday and I finally feel back into the swing of things.

My last post was about J2. Because I wasn't feeling him too much, I knew that he would ask for a second date, and he did. That's how this always goes. I don't want you, you want me. I want you, you want someone else. That's just the way it fucking goes.

Am I going to go out with him? Of course. I'll be seeing him tomorrow. He really wasn't bad-bad, it was just the kiss that threw me off and honestly, the way I'm feeling right now, I damn well might kiss him the eff again.

Because I feel... well, I just finished composing myself from bursting into tears 3 minutes ago, which led me to writing a new post.

It's 12:16AM and I feel awful. A few days after my date with J2, I messaged this guy I met in real life, we'll call him J3. I just wanted to go after someone I truly wanted. 

He's in a band and I saw him play at a random place about a year and a half ago. Didn't know the band prior. But when I saw him, I was instantly smitten. Like I got hit by a truck. We didn't talk to each other that night but I found his band on facebook (because I go for what I want). He actually ended up friending me first, messaging me, and I told him I would go see him and his band in a few months in my home town.

Saw him there, chatted for a bit, but couldn't get to know each other because I had to work the next morning and he was moving on to the next city to perform. It turned out he actually remembered me from the first time I saw him. Me and my friends were the only Black girls there, and with me sporting an afro, it's no wonder.

We stayed in touch via facebook, chatting every now and then, flirting here and there. Long story short, he said he wanted to see me, I said I wanted to see him, and he fell off for about a month. He was doing some serious flirting and I couldn't understand why he stopped messaging me. I asked him a question about his personal life (which he prompted) and he didn't respond. Maybe it was me. Did I say the wrong thing?

By this time, I was dealing with He Who Must Not Be Named at the same time because that's how this goes. I love someone, they don't love me, I try to move on. It's been like this for nine fucking years.

But J3. I could really move on with someone like J3. Physically, he's exactly what I'm looking for. A sexy, dark-skinned black dude, only a little taller than me, with big arms, facial hair, and one of the brightest smiles I've ever seen. Especially when he plays the drums. Wow. I've never seen anyone play like he does. He lights up the room and simply embodies the word Joy--with a capital J. It's not about the drums, it's his passion. I can fully say I've never seen anything like it.

So I was smitten. And he fell off. For about a month, I hadn't heard anything from him.

After my date with J2, I sent a simple message to J3 saying "Hey stranger, what happened to you?" I was frustrated. Why couldn't I just have what I wanted? J3's cute, he clearly likes me, what's the freaking big deal?

He responded and said he had a long response to my question, and didn't elaborate on what happened. Did he erase it? Did he forget to send it? I have no idea. He didn't say what happened, only that he had a response. Then he said "Would it be weird to say I miss you??" along with "Maybe we can set up some time to spend some time together" and "May I call you sometime?"

I gave him my number and he hasn't called. It's been seven days. I know he's busy and whatnot... but if a guy wants to call you, he will call. Simple as that. Actions speak louder than words.

These are the things that piss me off:

1) The fact that I didn't necessarily want another date with J2, but knew he would ask me out again because that's specifically not what I wanted and the universe wants to fucking laugh in my face.

2) The fact that J3--let's just call him JDrums--gave me mixed signals, and he was someone I really felt I wanted to get to know.

3) I know I'm not over He Who Must Not Be Named and I'm going to see him in 17 days. If I say "this will be the last time I will see him" enough times, maybe I'll end up brainwashing myself. This will be the last time I will see him because I have to end our friendship. That makes me sad but it must be done. No more texting. No more laughing. No more "hey, watch the youtube video." This is the fucking end because he's too close to my heart. This will be the last time I will see Him. The very last time.

Hence the crying like a blubbering idiot. Who the hell does that? I don't even want to capitalize "Him" because I want to erase him, and that gives him more power than he deserves. But I don't want to give him an initial for fear he might find this blog. He would know anyway, but still.

So... date tomorrow, hah. Hopefully it'll be fun...

I haven't been on the dating site in about a week. I just don't have any energy to talk to anyone. I might have a date with N on Saturday, but who knows. His text-based communications skills are weak so if it happens, I'll be surprised. If it happens and we hit it off, I'll be even more surprised. He seems nice but I don't know how much synergy we have.

C sent me a text today and I'm over it. He seems very nice too but if he doesn't have the balls to ask me out by now, I don't want him. I'm bored with it. I don't want to talk with someone I've never met. Screw that.

It's 1:03AM. Where did the time go? I haven't been writing non-stop.

Did I mention I bought and finished an entire bottle of wine tonight? I didn't mean to. First time I've done that. Maybe that's why I started crying LOL... Jesus Christ. I'm just thankful I turned my phone off and didn't text The Guy. That'll be his new name. The other one is too powerful. Soon, I'll be able to put it in lower case.

I hope tomorrow is a good day. Maybe the second date will be better for me. Who knows. Or maybe JDrums will call. Either way, whatever will be will be. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and in it's time. But that doesn't mean situations won't hurt you.


UPDATE 1:19AM.

I read over the conversation between JDrums and I and I feel a sense of calm. Could be the alcohol... but it's only been a week since I gave him my number. I have a feeling he will contact me in time. I don't know what his reason will be, but it will happen. I'm not a fan of waiting, but I'll try to be patient and not hold a grudge. This feeling could totally be wrong, but... I'm feeling positive. Could be the wine, or could be instinct. We shall see what this feeling means in time. I've been wrong before... but I've also been right! Hah.

I believe a guy shouldn't keep a girl waiting if he wants her though... so I really don't know.