Today’s Easter Sunday. I was going to head to the gym but I was so tired, I just couldn’t get out of bed. This was the first time I missed the gym out of laziness in 2.5 months, ever since I started going religiously on Feb 23rd.
I was up last night texting C, N, and L. N seems to be getting more out of his shell now, which is good. He was giving me short responses for a bit, and I wasn’t sure how to read that. I think he might be a bit shy but who the eff knows. I don’t know him for jack.
C and I talked for a while and he texted me “good morning,” which isn’t a bad thing, but I think I’m just… so over the small talk. I hate building relationships through words written on a screen. I absolutely hate it.
And it's probably because of this guy I knew before, years ago.
Isn't it always? Haha.
We met in Tokyo during our study abroad program and oddly, we didn’t really start talking to each other until he left. We were Facebook friends and we bonded over written statuses and musings. It’s so stupid now that I think about it, but I know so many other people have been through this before too. It began when a friend of his died and I commented that I was sorry for his loss. That led to him messaging me about death and dying, and we were both so “existential and intellectual,” we would message each other pages upon pages of our own thoughts and ideas.
What did it all mean?
::gag::
Well, Facebook led to exchanging Skype screen names and next thing I knew, we were IMing each other all day every day. Sun up to sun down. It didn’t matter if it was 4AM in Japan or 4AM in Philadelphia. I could talk to him about anything, and I felt like I really knew him. Buddhism, death, fitness, dreams, aspirations, Satanism, dogs. We talked—I mean, IMed—about everything and I felt so close to him. He had a lot of qualities I wanted in another person. I remember he told me I was the first person he talked to when he woke up.
It was like that for an entire year, and when I came back to the States, we made plans to see each other. I bought a train ticket to Philadelphia, and would you believe the moment I stepped on the train, he texted me talking about how “he wasn’t feeling well”?
Red flag #1.
I called him and he said he was sorry, and that he could still come meet me.
Huh, that was weird. ::rolls eyes::
When we saw each other, he was "feeling fine," and we had a great time. We explored Chinatown, saw some art exhibit on the water, and talked on a park bench for hours. Our interaction wasn’t forced, it flowed freely. He even said so himself.
Of course, that was the last time I saw him. I would text him and he would give me sporadic responses. I got the hint and stopped talking to him.
Over the years, he has tried to pick up where we left off but I will never forgive him for what he did. You don’t do that to a person, and surely not a friend. About 2 years later in Ecuador, I had a dream that we were friends again, just catching up at a restaurant. The dream made me so mad, I messaged him on Facebook asking him what happened and why our friendship fell off the way he did.
His excuse was that he sometimes needs to drop off the face of the Earth and not speak to anyone. He likes to come in and out of people’s lives. That was what he said.
Well, I don’t need friends like that. I blocked him on Facebook shortly after.
He tried to Skype me the other day, talking about his life and what he’s doing. I was short with him, and I think he got the point I don’t want him in my life.
::sigh:: I say all this to say I am not interested in extensive nonverbal communication whatsoever. I do not want to interact with a person on a friendship level if we haven’t even established that connection in real life. The thing with Phillyman is, we actually did meet in person, but our relationship grew online and it gave me a false perception of what type of relationship we had. The internet allows you to say certain things without feeling a sense of true vulnerability, and I think he probably had intimacy issues. Some human beings are afraid of being real and being seen.
Ugh, who knows. He was probably just a dick at the end of the day. The point is, I don’t want to ever go through that again.
I never, ever want to go through that again. It was so painful for me. I think I’m still mad about it, lol… it’s been four years. Well, not mad. But just, confused. He really threw me for a loop.
So texting back and forth about our interests and likes/dislikes with these potential online matches does nothing for me. As a matter of fact, it gives me a bad feeling, because I’ve been through that before.
I don’t want to make it seem like I’m in a rush to meet someone, but I don’t want to slip into this cycle of feeling like we’re getting to know each other when we don’t know each other at all.
Maybe online dating isn’t for me.
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