I just want to feel rooted

Well, I’m back from my vacation. My week back at home was really nice, and I realized just how homesick I really was. It was so nice to be able to just sit on the couch with my mom and laugh at things on TV. I have missed that so much.

I had so much fun, by the end of the week I decided I was going to move back in September. I’m really not sure what the fuck I’m doing.

After Ecuador, all I wanted to do was be near my mom, meet someone special, start a family, and have my mom close by. I don’t want my kids to grow up without their grandmother nearby. That’s so important to me, I’m willing to go back.

Of course He has something to do with this too. I made sure I didn’t drink too much around him, and we didn’t even flirt with each other. It was normal. I met his parents and everything was fine. But I’m still absolutely crazy about him. Head over heels. If I need to move back so we can start something, so be it. Even if he doesn’t want to, that’s fine because at the end of the day, I need to be near my mom. I really do. And its far easier to date there than here. How can I take anyone seriously here if I don’t want to start a family here? At least there, if he doesn’t want me, I can find someone else and take them seriously. I know where to hang out, I have friends I can go out with and meet other guys.

Why September? Because that’s when my license expires and why would I want to spend $200+ dollars to get it renewed in another state and change my tags when I can use that money for another cross country road trip and be at home?

I don’t know. This is all fucking crazy. I’m so jet lagged and tired, I’m not even thinking straight right now. 

One on hand, I want to leave it all to the universe and let it work itself out, and on the other, I want to go ahead and move back before my birthday.

For his graduation gift, I got him his favorite brands of cookies. Two packages of Oreos, two packages of Chips Ahoy, two packages of All-Abouts, and two packages of Bordeaux. Topped with a small box of his favorite chocolates. I put all that in a box, wrapped it, put that box in a bigger box, wrapped that, and then put that box in a bigger box… and of course, wrapped that. So watching the look on his face as he opened each box was really funny. He said it was the best gift he’s gotten so far.

I really love that guy. I love him so much, I can’t even help myself. I flew across country just for his graduation and got him a ridiculous gift that clearly says, “I love you like crazy.”

I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten him that gift. It’s not weird between us at all, but just for my own sanity, maybe I shouldn’t have done that.

I just don’t know what to do. Moving back would be a win for me regardless of what happens between me and him. Being with my mom again is so important to me. We’re really close and it just doesn’t feel right living far away from her now. I’ve had my fun traveling the world, and I’m done with that now. My focus is family, and although my dad is here, he’s not alone like my mom. My dad has my step-mom and my little sister. My mom isn’t married, she isn’t dating, and she doesn’t have any other kids. Granted, she doesn’t need anyone else, and she does have her two brothers and sister-in-law, but I’m her daughter, her only child, and I will be the other who takes care of her when she’s older. I want that responsibility… and although she’s in great health and is still young, I don’t want to build a life somewhere else and have to uproot, or have her uproot. 

That’s what’s on my mind, in the forefront. I belong where she is. And I feel so much more comfortable back east because I don’t have to relearn anything. I’m sick of learning a new area or “getting used to” something. At home, I don’t have to do any of that. I know where all the hang out spots are, all my friends are there. Everything is just second nature.

I just want to move back home. Feel rooted.

I haven't checked my dating site in weeks. Last I checked, I got two messages from two different guys but I haven't read them. I just... don't feel very excited about it anymore. Especially not now.

You're on a diet, Jasmine

I knew J2 and I weren’t compatible from the beginning, but I really should’ve known when he placed some of the blame on Rachel Jeantel when Zimmerman got off. Then he proceeded to talk about how some Black people enforce stereotypes and it’s detrimental to all of us.

Yea, no. Not the one. If you’re for me, you’ll know damn well this system of white supremacy has little to do with how we act, and far more to do with who holds power and why.

Recognizing the system of white supremacy for what it is is important to me. I’m not perfect, I have a lot to learn, and I’ll never understand it completely, but I don’t want to have to teach a man, especially a Black man, on how it works. Maybe that’s not fair because it took me a long time to get here myself… but honestly, our discussion about that was not the “last straw” or anything. It was the fact that I just didn’t click with him in the first place.

Anyway, after wrote my blog last night, he responded with “I think you misunderstood my intentions but that’s fine if you don’t feel comfortable.”

C’mon, dawg. We’re all adults here. But I guess that’s the best way to save face. Deny, deny, deny.

So today, I sent him, “Yea, that’s way too fast. I don’t even know your last name, nor do you know mine. We haven’t established any sort of trust between us whatsoever. I think you’re really nice and I appreciate you taking me out but I don’t quite think we’re compatible. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

He said, “I agree. Take care.”

I’m just glad I put on my big girl panties and ended it.

I had an epiphany today. Ever since I joined the online dating community, I was in such a rush to find someone. I was dealing with a lot of things at the time. Moving across country with no friends. Not being able to have a social life because I live somewhere boring. And Him. I loved Him and I needed to… stop. I just wanted it to stop. And I needed to stop before his graduation so I wouldn’t start again.

I’m still having trouble sleeping because I always think about him right before bed. I can’t help it, and I wish I could control it. I talk to myself out loud and ask myself why he’s entering my mind. I have to remind myself I’m a strong person. I say what goes. He doesn’t want you, Jasmine. Move on.

He’s like cake. Good in small slices every now and then. Not too much. A small slice of cake is simply sending him a text here and there. 

You’re on a diet, Jasmine. Don’t have too much.

But sometimes, I have days where I just want to devour the whole cake, eating with my hands, crumbs all over my mouth, icing all over my fingers, crazed eyes. Happy about every goddamn bite. Fuck it! Who needs dieting?! You only live once.

No. I’ll regret it. What good will that do? It will be a huge step backwards and I’ll be so heartbroken. I’ll like the cake at the time, but then I’ll realize what I’ve done and hate myself for it.

I get so wrapped up in daydreaming about him, I literally forget where I am. I was reading on my kindle and by the time I came to, the kindle that was right in front of my face the whole time scared the shit out of me. I totally forgot it was even there.

Why does he affect me like this? Why him? If I were to say what I wanted in a man, the only thing he has is a sense of humor. Yea, he’s smart, and our conversations flow, but not on the level I’m normally looking for. He has the emotional range of a teaspoon and he would never go on an adventure with me. Well, yea, I think he would, but he wouldn’t suggest it or be particularly excited about it. But if he went, I think he would be happy he did.

Fuck it, that’s neither here nor there. I will see him for his graduation and his party, and that’ll be it. I’ll try to make plans with other people so I’m really busy during the week. I think he’ll be busy during the week too, so that’ll work to my advantage.

I wasn’t even supposed to go to his party next Saturday but he sent me the address, date, and time and said, “Thanks for coming to stuff. It’ll be really nice seeing you.”

And I guess that sealed the deal. I can still back out, I guess, although I’ll feel like an asshole. Maybe he won’t even notice I’m not there. He’ll have so many other people to attend to… but I have a feeling he thinks I’m not going to come through because of that one time I made plans to see him after I had a break from Japan and didn’t come through. He still brings that up.

Sigh. I don’t fucking know. This isn’t about me being flakey, this is me protecting my heart. I can’t keep doing this to myself.

I just have to get through this week and not drink with him at all. At least I won’t have that opportunity on his graduation day, and his party will be at his parent’s house, so I won’t be drinking there. So during the week and Saturday night will be the only days I’ll have to worry about. 

I’ll get through it. He doesn’t want to be with me anyway.

Sometimes you gotta remember to throw them back

So, J2.

After I didn’t hear from him, I sent him, “Hey, what happened to you? Did you remember saying you wanted to have a date tonight?”

He sent, “Hey I never heard back from you about going out, so I wasn’t sure that we were still on for this evening.”

Wrong answer.

Let me back up. When J2 asked me to go out Wednesday, it was his idea and I said I would like to. “What do you want to do?” I asked. He said, “Don’t worry about it, I’ll think of something.”

I said, “Are you sure? You came up with the last date ideas…”

And he said, “No, don’t worry about it. Be ready for an adventure.”

“Haha, oookkk…” was my response.

He knew the ball was in his court. He didn’t follow through for whatever reason.

For a while, I was trying to figure out what to say to him. Did I want to end it right then? No. Why not? Because I wanted to see if he would acknowledge he was wrong. Oh yes, I’m stubborn, even if I don’t really care about him. I don’t like it when people think they can slight me and give me the blame. It’s the principle.

So, in response to his text of “never hearing back from me, I said, “Last I heard from you, you were going to let me know what you wanted to do. ‘Be ready for an adventure’ was what you said. It’s cool though, no worries. Just would’ve been nice to have a heads up.”

When I said “It’s cool though, no worries,” I really meant it. There’s something off about him, more than just the kiss. We just don’t click, and I need to recognize that and cut him loose. Honestly, I was glad he didn’t call/text and cancel because it would give me an excuse to stop talking to him. It’s stupid. I should just grow a pair and end it like an adult. I guess I was hesitant because I wanted to give it a chance, even if I knew deep down he wasn’t right.

He sent, “Maybe there’s been some miscommunication. You mentioned you hate texting but I called you and now we’re texting =) lol”

I didn’t respond to that statement at first because he was clearly skating around the issue. He didn’t even have a response to what I said, or an apology. I think the real deal is that he had a date with someone else and decided to go on that one. That’s just what my gut says. That’s totally fine, but common courtesy is to make up some stupid excuse, haha.

Yea, I’ll admit I haven’t been putting in work. In my defense, I have been running around trying to get my trip back home in order, so I haven’t really had the time to call him back. But I know the real reason is that I’m just not interested. Because if this was someone else who I was interested in, I’d find the time. That’s how it always works, with anyone. You will always find the time.

I didn’t respond to that, then he sent me a few hours later, “How about this… I can bring some ingredients to your place… pick your favorite movie and I’ll cook dinner.”

HA! You crazy, bruh? You must be crazy.

Hell no. You already move way too fast, kissing me and holding my hand and shit (which I didn’t say no to because I have to learn to put my foot down in these awkward scenarios). You set up a date, talk to me a bit through text, don’t even answer my last text, and then don’t call and cancel the date that you set up. No apology, and no explanation. And now you think, “Hey, let me just invite myself over to her house.”

Nigga done lost his mind.

So in this situation, I’m teetering on the edge of simply shutting it down with the straight-forward “I’m not interested because you move way too fast and I think we’re two different people” or just letting it falter off by not answering any of his texts or calls.

The latter is cowardly, the former is… harsh? How would I want to be rejected? I’m really not sure. I wouldn’t want the person to just disappear without an explanation. In my mind, I would like the guy to tell me why he’s not interested… but would I really? I don’t know, I haven’t figured it out yet.

So after laughing and laughing and laughing at the fact that he invited himself over my house as a third date, I sent, “Much too soon on the third date, in my opinion. I’m going back to dc so I’ll hit you up when I get back.”

I was just planning on never texting him again. Maybe I should say, “Hey, you were really nice and I appreciate you taking me out but I don’t think we have a connection.”

That’s simple enough, I guess. Not harsh at all. Doesn’t really get into the why, but I guess that doesn’t matter.

The problem with me and this dating thing is that I’m so positive and happy to be doing something different... so much so that that happiness is projected onto the other person and the event as a whole, and I can’t tell the difference between enjoying the person, or simply enjoying being out of my house talking with someone new. It isn’t until the day after that I realize I don’t really like them like that. They were just nice and I was having a good time. 

I’m thinking about my ex-boyfriend and I remember the feeling of not wanting the night to end. He was an attractive guy and we talked about death and meaning on our first date. An intellectual for sure, and that was great. But I think our ultimate demise was when he talked about Black culture like it was some sort of social learning experience for him. ::sigh:: Too much to get into right now…

Anyway, I’m just going to keep dating, but I’m certainly not going to force anything. I’m going to continue to listen to myself and try to make sound decisions and truly try to think about why I’m making those decisions. I know it’s safe to say J2 is not the one for me, I guess I was just waiting for a sign. I don’t know what most girls allow on their third date, but coming to my house is certainly not an option for me. I don’t think I want a guy who would suggest it—not that soon. I don’t even know J2’s last name! And he hasn’t even asked mine. I didn’t let my ex over my house until the 7th or 8th date. By then, we really had a good gauge of each other and I felt like I could trust him. And we talked on the phone constantly before we even suggested going into each others homes. Communication with J2 isn’t nearly as consistent, or even that enjoyable. He's just ok.

I’m going to listen to my instincts. I don’t like J2, end of story.

There are more fish in the sea. Sometimes you gotta remember to throw them back.

Sleepless.

Welp, today’s Wednesday and I figured I should write something since I haven’t written in a while.

What are the updates? 

TLN and I have been messaging a bit more, and that’s cool. I’m not sure where I want to go with him, but there’s no harm in talking with a nice guy.

J2. Last I heard from J2 was Thursday or Friday, I think. He called me and asked me if I wanted to go out on Wednesday. I said ok and he said he would think of something for us to do. We texted a bit on Sunday and he didn’t respond to my text. Wednesday has come and gone, and I haven’t heard from him since.

I feel so nonchalant about it. I already know I’m not really interested so, it’s really not big deal to me. But I sent him a text to make sure he’s ok, because he didn’t seem like the type to cancel without notice. He was always prompt and confirmed the night before.

We’ll see what he says. Maybe he picked up on my disinterest. 

Haven't been talking to N. But I have been texting a new guy A. We exchanged numbers a little while ago... maybe 2 weeks now. He's cool. We just talk about Game of Thrones. 

As far as dating, I’m just chillin right now. I haven’t been on the site in forever. 

I haven’t been able to sleep because I’ve been so anxious about seeing Him. I’m going to see him in 5 days. Those feelings are still there, as much as I hate to admit it, but I’m going to go to his graduation and after that, I’m going to try to avoid him. He invited me to a party he’s having at his parent house next Saturday. I don’t know if I want to go or not. Idk, I’m just going to take it one day at a time.

Ugh, I don’t even feel like writing anymore.

"I'm not into politics, I'm into revolutions"

“I’m not into politics, I’m into revolutions.”

When TLN said that to me, he struck something serious.

Our date went quite well.

He is definitely nerdy, and a little awkward, but that was cool to me. We’re on different wavelengths as far as our outward personalities. TLN is a little soft-spoken and he speaks slowly, and I found myself intentionally slowing down to let him talk at his own pace.

I’m a very friendly person, especially when I meet someone new. I like to ask them questions and talk about them so I can learn and see what kind of person they are. Once I asked him something, he would take his time responding, and after he finished a sentence, I thought he was done, but he wasn’t. He really takes his time speaking and articulating his thoughts, which i found interesting. So I quickly learned to give him time with what he wanted to say and simply listen and let him kind of lead the conversation. I didn’t want to move too quickly from one topic to another because I was misinterpreting his way of communicating. I felt very fast-paced in relation to him, which was interesting to feel. I’ve never felt that before.

But our conversation went great. I really want to learn more about him. His love of computers far exceeds my understanding of them. He talked about all sorts of things in that realm I never even heard of. We talked about Reddit, and Japan, and how his parents are flight attendants so he has been able to travel abroad most of his life.

We both seem goal-oriented, but will move from thing to thing, maybe without finishing the first thing we set out to accomplish, haha. He talked to me about how he’s trying to get into meditation and some brainwave device. I wasn’t really clear on that part but he says studies have shown it helps people focus. I feel like TLN has a lot of knowledge about things I haven’t even thought about, haha, which I find very intriguing. 

I asked him if he was into politics and he gave me a look like he didn’t want to go into detail (maybe too soon to talk about with someone you don’t know), but after a while, he said “I’m not into politics, I’m into revolutions.” I still can’t get over that quote. It struck me so hard. It was such a profound thing for him to say, and I’m very interested in hearing more of his thoughts and ideas on that. You don’t hear stuff like that every day. Clearly, I’m dealing with someone intelligent and thoughtful. Thoughtful in the sense that he’s very in his thoughts. He told me about the Icelandic Revolution that happened in around 2010 in which the people wrote a new constitution and have a connected system on the internet. I need to do more research to fully understand what happened, but he's very interested in how technology shapes society and how it functions. It's very attractive that he's interested in that sort of thing.

Physically, I don’t know if I ever would’ve noticed him at a bar or anything. He’s not unattractive at all, just not my typical “type.” I did get the feeling he was attracted to me, based on the way he looked at me when I smiled, so that was nice.

I think he would like to go on a second date. I would too. I’m very intrigued. I love smart guys.

Something I should add is that I feel a little more comfortable with him than I do J2. I'm not quite sure why. I felt like TLN wanted to take his time and just talk as people. J2 rushed more and wanted to talk to me as a potential girlfriend. TLN made me feel a little safer. I still don't know him but that's just the first impressions I've gotten so far. We'll see what happens next time. I have a date with J2 on Wednesday, so we'll see how things go.

"You deserve a hell of a lot better"

"You deserve a hell of a lot better."

A good friend of mine told me that today after I told him JDrums has yet to respond to my text. I got so into JDrums, I almost forgot that fact and if it weren't for my friend reminding me, I'd probably still be a little hung up on so and so. Yes, I do deserve better because... I'm me, haha. I'm a good person who loves hard and has ambition for days. I'm brave, I'm strong, I'm independent. I don't need validation because I have plenty of confidence to go around. I've traveled the world, I'm a certified sailor, and a good cook. I can speak 3 languages reasonably well and I'm a hard worker. Yes, I deserve someone fucking awesome and I'm not going to settle for someone who doesn't fit my needs. What are those needs? For starters, someone mature and who takes me seriously.

I reached out to JDrums and told him August was a long time from now, hinting I wanted to see him sooner. Nothing too major, just flirting and seeing what he would say. One thing led to another and he suggested meeting somewhere we both have never been. I jokingly said to him "But where haven't you been? Haven't you already been everywhere??" and he never responded.

Honestly, whatever. I get people are busy. The problem is that he hasn't responded in two days, yet he's been on Facebook posting and commenting on stuff. I know he's seen my text and for whatever reason, he's not responding. I just get the feeling he's playing games. I really don't have the time or the patience and I'm too old, mentally, to deal with someone like that. First, he didn't call me for a week because he "didn't want to seem too forthcoming," and now he just seems like a flake. I don't need people like that, I don't care how cute or cool you seem to be.

I want someone reliable, and he doesn't fit the bill. He's lives far away, is always touring, has a young child, and doesn't even seem to have stable communication skills. Who know how many other girls he's doing this to. No thanks, I'll find someone else. I deserve a hell of a lot better than that.

And on that note, I have a date with TLN tonight. He finally reached out and straight up asked me what I was doing the next day. We're going to a tea bar at 7PM, so that should be really nice. I'm kind of excited, but I'm trying not to be. Let's just see if he shows up. If we can get past that, it should be a reasonably good time, haha.

He seems really nerdy and different from the types of guys who usually approach me. I reached out to him first, but I think he liked my pictures, which is what sparked my interest.

I don't know, we'll see how it goes. Hopefully he's nice. Well, I need more than nice. Hopefully we click. It would be cool if he could help me start my garden in the future, too.

The one I'll love next

I’ve been thinking about what I want lately. J2 asked me what I wanted in a man on our last date. The first thing I said was a sense of humor.

A good sense of humor is so important to me, and it’s mainly because He had that. No one can make me laugh like he does. No one. Not yet. It’s so important to me that my next guy has that, because that what I’ll be losing soon. I’ve made my decision that the next time I see him will be for the last time. It sucks I’ll be losing his friendship, but it’s painful being his friend. I’ll never be able to move on because of the way I feel for him and the way that I love in general. 

With me, it’s either all or nothing. I wish I could change that, but that’s simply who I am. I don’t think that’ll ever change.

So a sense of humor is my way of having him. Replacing him. And I can’t tell if that’s unhealthy or not.

I find myself wanting to send funny videos to the guys I’ve been chatting with, because that’s what He and I have. I want to be able to do that with someone else.

But if I really want to let go of him, I need to stop trying to find that in other people. The one I love next might not have that quality, but will have something even better that I don’t even realize I need yet.

So I’m going to strive to have more of an open heart and try very hard to not compare other guys to him. I do appreciate a good sense of humor, but that’s not who I may marry. I have no idea who I’ll marry. I have yet to learn his qualities, his life experiences, what makes him tick, what made me fall in love with him.

The only way I can let someone else in is if I let go of him. I’m not even emotionally open to J2. I know I’m not. I can’t tell if I’m not open because I haven’t completely let go of Him or if I feel off with J2 in general. I really can’t tell.

But I have to move forward. I have to let Him go and try harder to have an open heart. I’m hoping if the right guy comes along, I’ll have an open heart automatically. 

I need to make sure the one I could love next doesn't pass me by.