Him.

I had my date with J2 tonight. It went well. I think. It did, right?

It started off... interestingly. I saw him as I was getting out the car and he seemed really tired, by the look on his face. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if he really wanted to be on the date or not. But I put on my happy face and we walked to the restaurant. I think he might have been a little nervous. I don’t know, it was a little hard to read.

We sat down at the table and things got smoother there. He’s still funny, we shared a pizza, and I had a Hefeweizen, my favorite beer. He actually guessed that was my favorite beer before I ordered it. It was good. Everything was good. We kind of flirted. Nothing bad happened. I had a nice time.

But I just can’t shake this feeling.

We walked around after we ate and found an arts center. The man at the door let us in for free and we sat in a modern dance/play for a few minutes. Then we got bored and left. He held my hand a little big during the show, which was ok, but not really what I wanted. But I went with it because, why not?

Afterwards, he walked me to my car and kissed me. I was fine up until then. I didn’t really want to kiss him, but I did it anyway, and I wish I didn’t. He went in for it, and I just let it happen. He was fun, and I was happy, so why not? I was happy during the date, wasn’t I? He made me laugh, and he asked important questions, and he didn’t offend me. I was happy.

But now I just can’t shake this feeling.

I kept having flashbacks to when I kissed him. He was the last guy I kissed.

When I kissed him, it was so natural. Our lips were so in sync. I didn’t have to even think when I kissed him. I loved kissing him. Everything about it. Everything he did. It just flowed.

With him.

But it didn’t flow with J2. His lips were not in sync with mine. 

Not like his. Not like him.

And on the drive back home, my mood just started to deteriorate. I swear, I was happy during the date but now, I can’t even remember what that felt like. Now I question if I ever felt happy at all.

I swear I did, but I can’t remember. All I can think about is him. I’m at the point if J2 calls me for a second date, cool. If he doesn’t, ::shrugs::

J2 just made me want to feel him all over again. I don't know how to stop loving him. 

I just want to make it stop. Why doesn't he want me?