The one I'll love next

I’ve been thinking about what I want lately. J2 asked me what I wanted in a man on our last date. The first thing I said was a sense of humor.

A good sense of humor is so important to me, and it’s mainly because He had that. No one can make me laugh like he does. No one. Not yet. It’s so important to me that my next guy has that, because that what I’ll be losing soon. I’ve made my decision that the next time I see him will be for the last time. It sucks I’ll be losing his friendship, but it’s painful being his friend. I’ll never be able to move on because of the way I feel for him and the way that I love in general. 

With me, it’s either all or nothing. I wish I could change that, but that’s simply who I am. I don’t think that’ll ever change.

So a sense of humor is my way of having him. Replacing him. And I can’t tell if that’s unhealthy or not.

I find myself wanting to send funny videos to the guys I’ve been chatting with, because that’s what He and I have. I want to be able to do that with someone else.

But if I really want to let go of him, I need to stop trying to find that in other people. The one I love next might not have that quality, but will have something even better that I don’t even realize I need yet.

So I’m going to strive to have more of an open heart and try very hard to not compare other guys to him. I do appreciate a good sense of humor, but that’s not who I may marry. I have no idea who I’ll marry. I have yet to learn his qualities, his life experiences, what makes him tick, what made me fall in love with him.

The only way I can let someone else in is if I let go of him. I’m not even emotionally open to J2. I know I’m not. I can’t tell if I’m not open because I haven’t completely let go of Him or if I feel off with J2 in general. I really can’t tell.

But I have to move forward. I have to let Him go and try harder to have an open heart. I’m hoping if the right guy comes along, I’ll have an open heart automatically. 

I need to make sure the one I could love next doesn't pass me by.