You're on a diet, Jasmine

I knew J2 and I weren’t compatible from the beginning, but I really should’ve known when he placed some of the blame on Rachel Jeantel when Zimmerman got off. Then he proceeded to talk about how some Black people enforce stereotypes and it’s detrimental to all of us.

Yea, no. Not the one. If you’re for me, you’ll know damn well this system of white supremacy has little to do with how we act, and far more to do with who holds power and why.

Recognizing the system of white supremacy for what it is is important to me. I’m not perfect, I have a lot to learn, and I’ll never understand it completely, but I don’t want to have to teach a man, especially a Black man, on how it works. Maybe that’s not fair because it took me a long time to get here myself… but honestly, our discussion about that was not the “last straw” or anything. It was the fact that I just didn’t click with him in the first place.

Anyway, after wrote my blog last night, he responded with “I think you misunderstood my intentions but that’s fine if you don’t feel comfortable.”

C’mon, dawg. We’re all adults here. But I guess that’s the best way to save face. Deny, deny, deny.

So today, I sent him, “Yea, that’s way too fast. I don’t even know your last name, nor do you know mine. We haven’t established any sort of trust between us whatsoever. I think you’re really nice and I appreciate you taking me out but I don’t quite think we’re compatible. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

He said, “I agree. Take care.”

I’m just glad I put on my big girl panties and ended it.

I had an epiphany today. Ever since I joined the online dating community, I was in such a rush to find someone. I was dealing with a lot of things at the time. Moving across country with no friends. Not being able to have a social life because I live somewhere boring. And Him. I loved Him and I needed to… stop. I just wanted it to stop. And I needed to stop before his graduation so I wouldn’t start again.

I’m still having trouble sleeping because I always think about him right before bed. I can’t help it, and I wish I could control it. I talk to myself out loud and ask myself why he’s entering my mind. I have to remind myself I’m a strong person. I say what goes. He doesn’t want you, Jasmine. Move on.

He’s like cake. Good in small slices every now and then. Not too much. A small slice of cake is simply sending him a text here and there. 

You’re on a diet, Jasmine. Don’t have too much.

But sometimes, I have days where I just want to devour the whole cake, eating with my hands, crumbs all over my mouth, icing all over my fingers, crazed eyes. Happy about every goddamn bite. Fuck it! Who needs dieting?! You only live once.

No. I’ll regret it. What good will that do? It will be a huge step backwards and I’ll be so heartbroken. I’ll like the cake at the time, but then I’ll realize what I’ve done and hate myself for it.

I get so wrapped up in daydreaming about him, I literally forget where I am. I was reading on my kindle and by the time I came to, the kindle that was right in front of my face the whole time scared the shit out of me. I totally forgot it was even there.

Why does he affect me like this? Why him? If I were to say what I wanted in a man, the only thing he has is a sense of humor. Yea, he’s smart, and our conversations flow, but not on the level I’m normally looking for. He has the emotional range of a teaspoon and he would never go on an adventure with me. Well, yea, I think he would, but he wouldn’t suggest it or be particularly excited about it. But if he went, I think he would be happy he did.

Fuck it, that’s neither here nor there. I will see him for his graduation and his party, and that’ll be it. I’ll try to make plans with other people so I’m really busy during the week. I think he’ll be busy during the week too, so that’ll work to my advantage.

I wasn’t even supposed to go to his party next Saturday but he sent me the address, date, and time and said, “Thanks for coming to stuff. It’ll be really nice seeing you.”

And I guess that sealed the deal. I can still back out, I guess, although I’ll feel like an asshole. Maybe he won’t even notice I’m not there. He’ll have so many other people to attend to… but I have a feeling he thinks I’m not going to come through because of that one time I made plans to see him after I had a break from Japan and didn’t come through. He still brings that up.

Sigh. I don’t fucking know. This isn’t about me being flakey, this is me protecting my heart. I can’t keep doing this to myself.

I just have to get through this week and not drink with him at all. At least I won’t have that opportunity on his graduation day, and his party will be at his parent’s house, so I won’t be drinking there. So during the week and Saturday night will be the only days I’ll have to worry about. 

I’ll get through it. He doesn’t want to be with me anyway.