I just want to feel rooted

Well, I’m back from my vacation. My week back at home was really nice, and I realized just how homesick I really was. It was so nice to be able to just sit on the couch with my mom and laugh at things on TV. I have missed that so much.

I had so much fun, by the end of the week I decided I was going to move back in September. I’m really not sure what the fuck I’m doing.

After Ecuador, all I wanted to do was be near my mom, meet someone special, start a family, and have my mom close by. I don’t want my kids to grow up without their grandmother nearby. That’s so important to me, I’m willing to go back.

Of course He has something to do with this too. I made sure I didn’t drink too much around him, and we didn’t even flirt with each other. It was normal. I met his parents and everything was fine. But I’m still absolutely crazy about him. Head over heels. If I need to move back so we can start something, so be it. Even if he doesn’t want to, that’s fine because at the end of the day, I need to be near my mom. I really do. And its far easier to date there than here. How can I take anyone seriously here if I don’t want to start a family here? At least there, if he doesn’t want me, I can find someone else and take them seriously. I know where to hang out, I have friends I can go out with and meet other guys.

Why September? Because that’s when my license expires and why would I want to spend $200+ dollars to get it renewed in another state and change my tags when I can use that money for another cross country road trip and be at home?

I don’t know. This is all fucking crazy. I’m so jet lagged and tired, I’m not even thinking straight right now. 

One on hand, I want to leave it all to the universe and let it work itself out, and on the other, I want to go ahead and move back before my birthday.

For his graduation gift, I got him his favorite brands of cookies. Two packages of Oreos, two packages of Chips Ahoy, two packages of All-Abouts, and two packages of Bordeaux. Topped with a small box of his favorite chocolates. I put all that in a box, wrapped it, put that box in a bigger box, wrapped that, and then put that box in a bigger box… and of course, wrapped that. So watching the look on his face as he opened each box was really funny. He said it was the best gift he’s gotten so far.

I really love that guy. I love him so much, I can’t even help myself. I flew across country just for his graduation and got him a ridiculous gift that clearly says, “I love you like crazy.”

I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten him that gift. It’s not weird between us at all, but just for my own sanity, maybe I shouldn’t have done that.

I just don’t know what to do. Moving back would be a win for me regardless of what happens between me and him. Being with my mom again is so important to me. We’re really close and it just doesn’t feel right living far away from her now. I’ve had my fun traveling the world, and I’m done with that now. My focus is family, and although my dad is here, he’s not alone like my mom. My dad has my step-mom and my little sister. My mom isn’t married, she isn’t dating, and she doesn’t have any other kids. Granted, she doesn’t need anyone else, and she does have her two brothers and sister-in-law, but I’m her daughter, her only child, and I will be the other who takes care of her when she’s older. I want that responsibility… and although she’s in great health and is still young, I don’t want to build a life somewhere else and have to uproot, or have her uproot. 

That’s what’s on my mind, in the forefront. I belong where she is. And I feel so much more comfortable back east because I don’t have to relearn anything. I’m sick of learning a new area or “getting used to” something. At home, I don’t have to do any of that. I know where all the hang out spots are, all my friends are there. Everything is just second nature.

I just want to move back home. Feel rooted.

I haven't checked my dating site in weeks. Last I checked, I got two messages from two different guys but I haven't read them. I just... don't feel very excited about it anymore. Especially not now.