12:12AM on a Friday. Up because I haven't written in a while. I've been quite busy with work, and I also went camping Tuesday in Death Valley with my doggie. Got back Wednesday and I finally feel back into the swing of things.
My last post was about J2. Because I wasn't feeling him too much, I knew that he would ask for a second date, and he did. That's how this always goes. I don't want you, you want me. I want you, you want someone else. That's just the way it fucking goes.
Am I going to go out with him? Of course. I'll be seeing him tomorrow. He really wasn't bad-bad, it was just the kiss that threw me off and honestly, the way I'm feeling right now, I damn well might kiss him the eff again.
Because I feel... well, I just finished composing myself from bursting into tears 3 minutes ago, which led me to writing a new post.
It's 12:16AM and I feel awful. A few days after my date with J2, I messaged this guy I met in real life, we'll call him J3. I just wanted to go after someone I truly wanted.
He's in a band and I saw him play at a random place about a year and a half ago. Didn't know the band prior. But when I saw him, I was instantly smitten. Like I got hit by a truck. We didn't talk to each other that night but I found his band on facebook (because I go for what I want). He actually ended up friending me first, messaging me, and I told him I would go see him and his band in a few months in my home town.
Saw him there, chatted for a bit, but couldn't get to know each other because I had to work the next morning and he was moving on to the next city to perform. It turned out he actually remembered me from the first time I saw him. Me and my friends were the only Black girls there, and with me sporting an afro, it's no wonder.
We stayed in touch via facebook, chatting every now and then, flirting here and there. Long story short, he said he wanted to see me, I said I wanted to see him, and he fell off for about a month. He was doing some serious flirting and I couldn't understand why he stopped messaging me. I asked him a question about his personal life (which he prompted) and he didn't respond. Maybe it was me. Did I say the wrong thing?
By this time, I was dealing with He Who Must Not Be Named at the same time because that's how this goes. I love someone, they don't love me, I try to move on. It's been like this for nine fucking years.
But J3. I could really move on with someone like J3. Physically, he's exactly what I'm looking for. A sexy, dark-skinned black dude, only a little taller than me, with big arms, facial hair, and one of the brightest smiles I've ever seen. Especially when he plays the drums. Wow. I've never seen anyone play like he does. He lights up the room and simply embodies the word Joy--with a capital J. It's not about the drums, it's his passion. I can fully say I've never seen anything like it.
So I was smitten. And he fell off. For about a month, I hadn't heard anything from him.
After my date with J2, I sent a simple message to J3 saying "Hey stranger, what happened to you?" I was frustrated. Why couldn't I just have what I wanted? J3's cute, he clearly likes me, what's the freaking big deal?
He responded and said he had a long response to my question, and didn't elaborate on what happened. Did he erase it? Did he forget to send it? I have no idea. He didn't say what happened, only that he had a response. Then he said "Would it be weird to say I miss you??" along with "Maybe we can set up some time to spend some time together" and "May I call you sometime?"
I gave him my number and he hasn't called. It's been seven days. I know he's busy and whatnot... but if a guy wants to call you, he will call. Simple as that. Actions speak louder than words.
These are the things that piss me off:
1) The fact that I didn't necessarily want another date with J2, but knew he would ask me out again because that's specifically not what I wanted and the universe wants to fucking laugh in my face.
2) The fact that J3--let's just call him JDrums--gave me mixed signals, and he was someone I really felt I wanted to get to know.
3) I know I'm not over He Who Must Not Be Named and I'm going to see him in 17 days. If I say "this will be the last time I will see him" enough times, maybe I'll end up brainwashing myself. This will be the last time I will see him because I have to end our friendship. That makes me sad but it must be done. No more texting. No more laughing. No more "hey, watch the youtube video." This is the fucking end because he's too close to my heart. This will be the last time I will see Him. The very last time.
Hence the crying like a blubbering idiot. Who the hell does that? I don't even want to capitalize "Him" because I want to erase him, and that gives him more power than he deserves. But I don't want to give him an initial for fear he might find this blog. He would know anyway, but still.
So... date tomorrow, hah. Hopefully it'll be fun...
I haven't been on the dating site in about a week. I just don't have any energy to talk to anyone. I might have a date with N on Saturday, but who knows. His text-based communications skills are weak so if it happens, I'll be surprised. If it happens and we hit it off, I'll be even more surprised. He seems nice but I don't know how much synergy we have.
C sent me a text today and I'm over it. He seems very nice too but if he doesn't have the balls to ask me out by now, I don't want him. I'm bored with it. I don't want to talk with someone I've never met. Screw that.
It's 1:03AM. Where did the time go? I haven't been writing non-stop.
Did I mention I bought and finished an entire bottle of wine tonight? I didn't mean to. First time I've done that. Maybe that's why I started crying LOL... Jesus Christ. I'm just thankful I turned my phone off and didn't text The Guy. That'll be his new name. The other one is too powerful. Soon, I'll be able to put it in lower case.
I hope tomorrow is a good day. Maybe the second date will be better for me. Who knows. Or maybe JDrums will call. Either way, whatever will be will be. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason and in it's time. But that doesn't mean situations won't hurt you.
UPDATE 1:19AM.
I read over the conversation between JDrums and I and I feel a sense of calm. Could be the alcohol... but it's only been a week since I gave him my number. I have a feeling he will contact me in time. I don't know what his reason will be, but it will happen. I'm not a fan of waiting, but I'll try to be patient and not hold a grudge. This feeling could totally be wrong, but... I'm feeling positive. Could be the wine, or could be instinct. We shall see what this feeling means in time. I've been wrong before... but I've also been right! Hah.
I believe a guy shouldn't keep a girl waiting if he wants her though... so I really don't know.
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